The Precipice of The Rest of My Life

I'm going to preface this blog entry, not unlike most of my blog entries on here, by saying most of what you're about to read is going to be me whining about my probably fairly decent life. By continuing to read this you are accepting the fact that the author knows his faults and is aware of the fact that this is useless bitching, perpetuated by the anonymity of the internet and his own self-centered need to vent his problems to a world already filled with it's own. It feels like I don't know any of the right answers anymore; like I'm just bouncing around in purgatory. I want so badly, someone to love, someone to care about, someone to do stuff for. It always felt like, when I had a girlfriend, my life had a purpose. Now...idk I guess I can contribute most of my failures in life to the fact that I don't feel like I'm worth all that much. The other day I read this little comic bring awareness to mental illness. In it it was comparing mental illness to physical ailments like getting stabbed or a broken arm and how you can't just wish/think your arm isn't broken or that you're not stabbed, just how you can't just feel better if you have some kind of mental illness. I'm not sure if I have anything and I don't want to be one of those people who think they're always sick, but I think I might have depression. I try not to show it "for other peoples sake", but I can't remember the last time I felt good about my self just by myself. When I had a girlfriend it felt good because I could make someone happy, but now that it's just me idk. My last girlfriend struggled with the same thing which is kind of purplexing and the rational part of my brain kicks in and lets me know that we're both probably just a couple whiny bitches. This is because whenever she would bring up feeling down about herself I didn't understand why. She's beautiful, smart, has friends who love her, has a family who loves her to death, and comes from a family who isn't rich but isn't hurting financially. Every time I thought about her...every time I still think about her I think she's perfect. On the other side of the coin I have pretty much all of that stuff, I might but hurting financially a little bit, but other than that I'd have to say objectively I have a pretty good life. That being said from time to time I still get the feeling like I'm not even worth the ground I'm walking on.
            Blah that was a little tangent-esk, but keeping that in mind. I'm about to graduate with a mediocre  major I just kind of skimmed by in. I only have one more semester here and I really don't want to stay in this city anymore so I don't want to start a relationship with some girl only to have to break it off in like five months, not that I wouldn't love someone to....love. I'm in debt and have not real job or any real job lined up. I put off important stuff, scared I'm going to mess it up some how and then I put it off for too long and i ultimately fuck it up because of that. Finally it feels like I let my family down because long story short I need to get a decent paying job so I can take care of my family; they're for the most part poor and in ailing health. Sooo that's whats in my head at the moment. Thanks for reading this far if you've made it. I'll make another post when something changes.

Bitter Sweet

I'm sure some people would laugh at me and pat me on my back, shake my hand, tell me congratulations, ask me if I'm already seeing anyone else. The fact is that I don't share the same sentiment, in fact I feel the exact opposite. My girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago for reasons I have to admit we both knew but choose not to accept. Long story short we are victims of circumstance and we thought it'd be best this way....The thing is is that I still love her and I'm pretty sure for all intents and purposes that she still loves me. In the end it was the distance that tore us apart, that and the fact that she's the needing kind. Even tho we both accepted the break up now I fear she's going to seek the comfort in people who won't appreciate the beautiful woman she is and will only see her physical beauty. I'm not going to lie, I feel the pangs of jealousy when I think of this but the fact of the matter is is that she's going to have to figure this stuff out on her own. She isn't my responsibility anymore.....and it scares me...I just don't want her to be hurt. I wish I was still the one taking care of her even if it is from such a long way away. Even tho this is probably the end and despite the fact that we had some ups and downs, I have to admit that I cherished every second I had with her. All the goofy shit we did, all the little adventures we had, all the quiet moments and all the ones drown out in laughter, I'll never regret all we had. I don't want her to go....I don't want someone else to win her over, but it's not up to me anymore. If this really is goodbye I hope she runs and never looks back, I hope she finds someone who will love her even more than I did and who will stand by her no matter what. I pray she proves her whole family wrong and makes it big. I would hope that when ever she is still and thinks back, that she only thinks fondly of us and that she won't be able to help but smile. Goodbye little lady, I hope you know that I send you every ounce of love in my heart.

Son of a Bitch

I'm about to rant so....if you don't want to read a bunch of whining I'd skip to a different blog. So I'm so fucking done with school right now to be honest I'm not sure how I'm doing, I might pass these last to damn classes or not. Either way I'm going to go back home after this semester, because everything back home is pretty much falling apart. One my Grandfather has Alzheimer and it is really starting to show, that in it self wouldn't be bad except my grandmother is in failing health too. She has diabetes and has lost most of the felling in her feet causing her to have difficulty with pretty much anything you have to use your legs for and here lately she has developed severe carpal tunnel in her hands rendering them useless pretty much. All of this coming together has caused her significant duress. My mom has had her hips replaced and has continued, even before she had them replaced, having problems with fluid collecting in her legs. This has given her problems walking around, being over weight doesn't help either. My father has a bunch of stuff wrong with him as well. He has COPD, diabetes, and just lately has be released from the hospital for severe UTI and kidney infection. Also, while in the hospital, the doctors have discovered a mass in is abdomen. So all these problems have caused a lot of tension which has translated into a lot of anger and fights amongst them. One recently where my dad stormed off out of the house after a dispute over a credit card bill, which is another issue. Money is running out pretty fast with all of them being on a fixed income due to retirement. This being the case I've been trying to work as much as I can so I wouldn't have to as them for money but here inlies another problem, I'm going out with this wonderful girl who lives far away from me and pretty much gets the short end of the stick most of the time which breaks my heart. Gah I just don't know what to do.....I fear the worst....just....pray for me.

Love from left field

Love....what is that shit? I would never be the first one to hold a person down and shove religion down their throat but I can't help but think of, and would like to share with you, a few lines out of 1 Corinthians 13. It says that "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Now whether you're religious or not I'd say that little paragraph has some truths in it about what love is. At this point I know what you're probably thinking, and yes I'm getting to a point. I just found out that my girlfriend cheated on me right before she broke up with me.....about a week ago. Long story short we were in a long distance relationship and she was in a dark place and was seeking comfort and found it apparently. What shocked me was that I wasn't mad when she told me. The first thought that went through my head was that I wanted to hug her and say it's ok. We talked for a little while and I forgave her of course, but what stuck with me was that if it had been 3 or so years ago I think I would have yelled at her, called her a string of the most vial insults I could muster, and then hung up on her. Is this love? What the hell is love anyways? you can't see it, all you can do is see it's wake. I can't help but think that I used to envy, I did boats, I was self seeking, I was insecure which made me keep a record of wrongs which those made me angry. She told me the truth....I'm glad. It took guts....shes has some of those. And before you get the wrong impression of her, don't, she is honestly extremely nice. Think of a girl that you could take home to the parents even the grand parents and she could totally act like herself, not put on a goody two shoes show, and they would still love her. That kind of girl. Needless to say I think I'm finally growing up, learning from my mistakes I've made in past relationships, and am trying to be a better person(but not in a corny kind of way). We're still broken up and I'm not sure if we will get back together, not that I would mind if we did, but I know for sure that we still care about each other and that's a start, right?

Lonely Goodbye

I can't help but think "She'll find someone else", but not in a mature "We need to move on" more of a "How do I kill every guy in Denton and make it look like a accident" I feel helpless....I genuinely love her, I was listening to Carolina by Parmalee the other day when I was driving and I just broke down....there is only one other girl I've done that for.....Logically I know why she ended it. She is very...in tune with her emotions lol not that I minded. But anyways shes the kind of girl that needs her man by her side....I guess I get that.....and if I push through the little, self centered, jealous,10year old inside of me screaming, I do want her to be happy. I just wish that she could have been happy with me. She says distance is what did it, but I know the truth, it was me. I asked her out, I fell in love with someone I couldn't have, someone I knew I couldn't have, and the worst part is is that I let her fall in love with me. Now what do I have to show for it? Gah someone is going to come along, take notice of her exterior beauty and care for her half as much as I did and the only difference is he's going to be there.....she deserves so much better and I want so badly to give it to her. I know you can't be expected to wait for me, I just.....idk. I love you, miss you, want to give you the world, care about you, love to make you happy, wanted to be your husband even....Goodbye Belle, don't mistake my calm demeanor for apathy because I assure you there is a heart crying out even as you read this. I wish you the best and I hope and pray you'll be in my arms again one day. :*

Your Cowboy,

Rustin

Time and time again

Type type type I really have nothing new to say. I've started my last semester of school and have been super crazy busy with my internship and everything. Pretty much just the same struggle different day, still fighting procrastination, shitty relationship situations,and the fear of letting everyone I know who has supported me up until now down..... So yeah same ol same ol. O and then of course every american's struggle with loose'n a few pounds for the sake of vanity lol Hope y'alls fall is going well!!

Just a few things

So I guess this is just a little update for my one follower now lol and for any of you board bastards that stumble upon this mindless drivel. I'm still in school but this upcoming semester is my last one here at UT San Antonio, God willing.
I'm finally moved into my new studio apartment even tho I haven't had time to un-box much of anything besides my computer of course. Lets see what else.....O my awesome keyboard died on me and I'm currently on a 9 dollar p.o.s. from WallyWorld. I have to admit I'm a bit of a keyboard snob; I just like really nice keyboards, well membrane keyboards so far. I used to have a mechanical keyboard a long time ago when I was in elementary school but since then I've used nicer membrane keyboards, but I've been thinking it over and I have decided to bite the bullet and get a mechanical again. Pretty sure I'm going to go with a CM Storm Quickfire XT.....Yeah lol. If you don't know before you go and look up what kind of keyboard is I'm just going to let  you know that yes its a little expensive....like 90 dollars expensive, but I really really really enjoy typing. In fact part of the reason I come here every once in a while to talk to you guys is so that I can sit here and type junk out be cause it just relaxing to me. So I think it will be a good investment plus mechanical keyboards are built like tanks and will pretty much last forever, which in electronic terms has got to be at least 10 + years lol. Another thing is that mechanical keyboards' keys are clicky well the kind of key switches I want are clicky and I like that.....so yeah you can stop judging me now. I know I'm a little weird.
O hey I also got an internship that I'll be participating in this semester as well. I am a Kinesiology major, just in case you didn't know, and in this internship I'll be assisting a doctor(Phd) with a study examining the effectiveness of a health and wellness program being implemented at churches around San Antonio. So what we'll be doing at first is going around rounding up volunteers from the churches and training them to administer the health and wellness programs, they will then go do that; we might go sit in on the programs too just to keep and eye on junk. Then after the programs have been up and running we will then go through, O yeah we will be taking baseline data of the subjects in the beginning, and take more data samples of there vital signs and junk and compare the data sets to see if the programs are doing anything. It would be really cool if churches could contribute not only to the spiritual health but the physical health of the community and if that's the case then after I graduate and move back home.....if I move back home, I'll see if I can start a similar program to help out folks where ever I am.
So all in all I'm still alive, making stupid decisions, learning from mistakes, and wasting money lol I'll ttyl