I'm sure if you ask any of my friends they could tell you that I can be a real dumb ass sometimes, and you know...there right. No matter how far I run or what far away dreams I fancy she always seems to creep back into my mind. Believing this is how its gonna be I decided to cut ties with a really good thing in my life, my good friend....I'll call her kitty. Well this of course was, at the time, and now still is my girlfriend. we broke up a few days after christmas and even tho she had a stiff upper lip I knew she was taking it pretty bad. She loved/loves the crap out of me, and at the time I thought I was doing her/us a favor by cutting her off my pitty partying train ride to no where, population me. A few days passed and we kind of talked still, us missing one another but myself too full of myself to ask her back. Well new years eve came around and I almost invited her out to do something maybe patch things up, looking back I should have. I had asked her what her plans were, originally they were to hang out at home and chill with the folks, but they had since changed to going to catch up with friends...lol I knew something was up immediately, but giving little ol kitty the benefit of the doubt I moved that thought aside. Since I had plans with some old friends of my own I did really concentrate on what kitty might be doing just the fact that she wasn't doing stuff with me. The next day I talked to her keeping the subject of where she was and what she was doing out of the forefront of our conversation, after all we were broke up, she is an adult, and it was new years for God sakes. So I stalled till after a few things to ask about what was up as sly as possible. Receiving a short response I knew it had to be a guy "O well" I thought to myself, another girl lost. I then began to think of another girl in my life, I'll call her lex. Lex and I had loved each other at one time as a matter of fact I had almost asked her to merry me. Then one, as quick as she had came into my life and won me over, she was gone. The crulest thing was , was that she hadn't even been taken from me....under her own power she just up and left, thinking it was going to be the best for us both. Long story short Lex had broke my little heart into pieces and I was afraid I was never going to get over her which would have potentially hurt Kitty. That night, being inspired by my mom to clean, and because the trash was being picked up the next morning, I decided to clean out the garage of its junk. Low and behold I came across Lex's binder. Having never opened it I decided to take a gander....It was like turing back time. I could smell the summer air and feel the heat radiating off her old mustang. I remembered that kiss in the drive way the day we cleaned out her car and the way we loved each other. Mostly I remembered her, she loved me and I loved her. By the end of the binder I was crying, like a little pussy, I must have stood there for a good 40 minutes looking at that last page, starring at her hand writing. Imagining the hands that wrote that, the hands that I'll never get to hold again. "Never get to hold again" I thought. She did that, not me, not my family, she did. I closed the binder and starred at it for a moment, "you did this". Saying that out loud was rather sobering . "I'll never see her again, she is never coming back, and she'll never give two shits about wither our not I kept this stupid binder. Still having the trash bag in my hand I gripped the binder with my other and threw it in and kept cleaning. Before I took the trash bag out I had found a newspaper clipping of her and threw that out too. Then regret set in, those where her things, the only thing I had left of her were in that trash bag. Kitty I thought, I just needed a hand, someone to tell me I'm doing right, even tho if I told her it would be bias as hell. But alas she didn't answer, non of my other friends were up. It was just me alone in my room fighting to stay inside and away from that trash bag and eventually fell asleep. Morning came and I felt an odd calm like after a horrible storm has finished its reaping, Kitty I thought so I texted her, not really knowing what to say but I figured something was better than nothing. My suspicions where reviled, she had in fact visited a old guy friend and she had slept with him. I couldn't really blame him or her, I was the only jackass on this funny farm. The only thing was that she felt bad about it and was beating herself up for sleeping with him saying I deserved better. Ha! If she only knew that she was infact more than I ever deserved. Before I broke up with her she had been nothing but perfection: She'd always have time to talk to me, she loved my family and my family loved her back, She is drop dead gorgeous/ borderline porn-star/ big boobs/skinny/sexy nerd with glasses thing/nice ass/ put up with all my dorky stupid shit/ she infact had dorky stupid shit she liked to do to/ liked to watch me play video games/drank with me/got high with me....all around amazing chick. lol I know at first you were think'n that ol Rustin was just thinking with his dick but ah ha she is really crazy awesome! So I decided to nip things in the bud, I told her to stop everything because I was coming over to talk to her, I couldn't allow her to think she was this horrible person when it was me. I didn't even put regular cloths on, I just threw a pair of boots on with my pajamas and I was out the door. Well we went on a little ride and I told her how I felt and she told me how she felt and its been cake ever since. It feels like a completely different relationship now. It went from being....I don't even know, it was like I was watching the relationship unfold before and now I'm actually getting to be in it. We have been dating for a while, mind you, but now it feels like we are really together. As for the other guy....idk I guess if I ever saw him I'd have to thank him for opening my eyes to everything I could have lost....then I'd knock his fucking teeth out and break his pretty boy, app building, pot smoking, groping ass face for ever even thinking about touching my Kitty. Ugh sometimes I just really piss myself off. I know what you're thinking "So whats so special about everything now" well I'll tell ya. She's off with her friends now, but earlier we were texting and I sent her a message and I had set my phone down to do something and when I turned around and the notification light was flashing and I didn't realize I was excited about hearing from her until it turned out to be an email instead of a message from her. I was really disappointed that it wasn't her and I realized that I really missed her. Its kind of shitty to say but that never really happened before. Before if it wouldn't have been her it wouldn't have made any difference. I'm not gonna lie, I am a little afraid that she'll leave me but I just have to have faith that love will see us through.....how I hope it does.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
From Nothing To Everything
I'm sure if you ask any of my friends they could tell you that I can be a real dumb ass sometimes, and you know...there right. No matter how far I run or what far away dreams I fancy she always seems to creep back into my mind. Believing this is how its gonna be I decided to cut ties with a really good thing in my life, my good friend....I'll call her kitty. Well this of course was, at the time, and now still is my girlfriend. we broke up a few days after christmas and even tho she had a stiff upper lip I knew she was taking it pretty bad. She loved/loves the crap out of me, and at the time I thought I was doing her/us a favor by cutting her off my pitty partying train ride to no where, population me. A few days passed and we kind of talked still, us missing one another but myself too full of myself to ask her back. Well new years eve came around and I almost invited her out to do something maybe patch things up, looking back I should have. I had asked her what her plans were, originally they were to hang out at home and chill with the folks, but they had since changed to going to catch up with friends...lol I knew something was up immediately, but giving little ol kitty the benefit of the doubt I moved that thought aside. Since I had plans with some old friends of my own I did really concentrate on what kitty might be doing just the fact that she wasn't doing stuff with me. The next day I talked to her keeping the subject of where she was and what she was doing out of the forefront of our conversation, after all we were broke up, she is an adult, and it was new years for God sakes. So I stalled till after a few things to ask about what was up as sly as possible. Receiving a short response I knew it had to be a guy "O well" I thought to myself, another girl lost. I then began to think of another girl in my life, I'll call her lex. Lex and I had loved each other at one time as a matter of fact I had almost asked her to merry me. Then one, as quick as she had came into my life and won me over, she was gone. The crulest thing was , was that she hadn't even been taken from me....under her own power she just up and left, thinking it was going to be the best for us both. Long story short Lex had broke my little heart into pieces and I was afraid I was never going to get over her which would have potentially hurt Kitty. That night, being inspired by my mom to clean, and because the trash was being picked up the next morning, I decided to clean out the garage of its junk. Low and behold I came across Lex's binder. Having never opened it I decided to take a gander....It was like turing back time. I could smell the summer air and feel the heat radiating off her old mustang. I remembered that kiss in the drive way the day we cleaned out her car and the way we loved each other. Mostly I remembered her, she loved me and I loved her. By the end of the binder I was crying, like a little pussy, I must have stood there for a good 40 minutes looking at that last page, starring at her hand writing. Imagining the hands that wrote that, the hands that I'll never get to hold again. "Never get to hold again" I thought. She did that, not me, not my family, she did. I closed the binder and starred at it for a moment, "you did this". Saying that out loud was rather sobering . "I'll never see her again, she is never coming back, and she'll never give two shits about wither our not I kept this stupid binder. Still having the trash bag in my hand I gripped the binder with my other and threw it in and kept cleaning. Before I took the trash bag out I had found a newspaper clipping of her and threw that out too. Then regret set in, those where her things, the only thing I had left of her were in that trash bag. Kitty I thought, I just needed a hand, someone to tell me I'm doing right, even tho if I told her it would be bias as hell. But alas she didn't answer, non of my other friends were up. It was just me alone in my room fighting to stay inside and away from that trash bag and eventually fell asleep. Morning came and I felt an odd calm like after a horrible storm has finished its reaping, Kitty I thought so I texted her, not really knowing what to say but I figured something was better than nothing. My suspicions where reviled, she had in fact visited a old guy friend and she had slept with him. I couldn't really blame him or her, I was the only jackass on this funny farm. The only thing was that she felt bad about it and was beating herself up for sleeping with him saying I deserved better. Ha! If she only knew that she was infact more than I ever deserved. Before I broke up with her she had been nothing but perfection: She'd always have time to talk to me, she loved my family and my family loved her back, She is drop dead gorgeous/ borderline porn-star/ big boobs/skinny/sexy nerd with glasses thing/nice ass/ put up with all my dorky stupid shit/ she infact had dorky stupid shit she liked to do to/ liked to watch me play video games/drank with me/got high with me....all around amazing chick. lol I know at first you were think'n that ol Rustin was just thinking with his dick but ah ha she is really crazy awesome! So I decided to nip things in the bud, I told her to stop everything because I was coming over to talk to her, I couldn't allow her to think she was this horrible person when it was me. I didn't even put regular cloths on, I just threw a pair of boots on with my pajamas and I was out the door. Well we went on a little ride and I told her how I felt and she told me how she felt and its been cake ever since. It feels like a completely different relationship now. It went from being....I don't even know, it was like I was watching the relationship unfold before and now I'm actually getting to be in it. We have been dating for a while, mind you, but now it feels like we are really together. As for the other guy....idk I guess if I ever saw him I'd have to thank him for opening my eyes to everything I could have lost....then I'd knock his fucking teeth out and break his pretty boy, app building, pot smoking, groping ass face for ever even thinking about touching my Kitty. Ugh sometimes I just really piss myself off. I know what you're thinking "So whats so special about everything now" well I'll tell ya. She's off with her friends now, but earlier we were texting and I sent her a message and I had set my phone down to do something and when I turned around and the notification light was flashing and I didn't realize I was excited about hearing from her until it turned out to be an email instead of a message from her. I was really disappointed that it wasn't her and I realized that I really missed her. Its kind of shitty to say but that never really happened before. Before if it wouldn't have been her it wouldn't have made any difference. I'm not gonna lie, I am a little afraid that she'll leave me but I just have to have faith that love will see us through.....how I hope it does.
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