The Precipice of The Rest of My Life

I'm going to preface this blog entry, not unlike most of my blog entries on here, by saying most of what you're about to read is going to be me whining about my probably fairly decent life. By continuing to read this you are accepting the fact that the author knows his faults and is aware of the fact that this is useless bitching, perpetuated by the anonymity of the internet and his own self-centered need to vent his problems to a world already filled with it's own. It feels like I don't know any of the right answers anymore; like I'm just bouncing around in purgatory. I want so badly, someone to love, someone to care about, someone to do stuff for. It always felt like, when I had a girlfriend, my life had a purpose. Now...idk I guess I can contribute most of my failures in life to the fact that I don't feel like I'm worth all that much. The other day I read this little comic bring awareness to mental illness. In it it was comparing mental illness to physical ailments like getting stabbed or a broken arm and how you can't just wish/think your arm isn't broken or that you're not stabbed, just how you can't just feel better if you have some kind of mental illness. I'm not sure if I have anything and I don't want to be one of those people who think they're always sick, but I think I might have depression. I try not to show it "for other peoples sake", but I can't remember the last time I felt good about my self just by myself. When I had a girlfriend it felt good because I could make someone happy, but now that it's just me idk. My last girlfriend struggled with the same thing which is kind of purplexing and the rational part of my brain kicks in and lets me know that we're both probably just a couple whiny bitches. This is because whenever she would bring up feeling down about herself I didn't understand why. She's beautiful, smart, has friends who love her, has a family who loves her to death, and comes from a family who isn't rich but isn't hurting financially. Every time I thought about her...every time I still think about her I think she's perfect. On the other side of the coin I have pretty much all of that stuff, I might but hurting financially a little bit, but other than that I'd have to say objectively I have a pretty good life. That being said from time to time I still get the feeling like I'm not even worth the ground I'm walking on.
            Blah that was a little tangent-esk, but keeping that in mind. I'm about to graduate with a mediocre  major I just kind of skimmed by in. I only have one more semester here and I really don't want to stay in this city anymore so I don't want to start a relationship with some girl only to have to break it off in like five months, not that I wouldn't love someone to....love. I'm in debt and have not real job or any real job lined up. I put off important stuff, scared I'm going to mess it up some how and then I put it off for too long and i ultimately fuck it up because of that. Finally it feels like I let my family down because long story short I need to get a decent paying job so I can take care of my family; they're for the most part poor and in ailing health. Sooo that's whats in my head at the moment. Thanks for reading this far if you've made it. I'll make another post when something changes.

Bitter Sweet

I'm sure some people would laugh at me and pat me on my back, shake my hand, tell me congratulations, ask me if I'm already seeing anyone else. The fact is that I don't share the same sentiment, in fact I feel the exact opposite. My girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago for reasons I have to admit we both knew but choose not to accept. Long story short we are victims of circumstance and we thought it'd be best this way....The thing is is that I still love her and I'm pretty sure for all intents and purposes that she still loves me. In the end it was the distance that tore us apart, that and the fact that she's the needing kind. Even tho we both accepted the break up now I fear she's going to seek the comfort in people who won't appreciate the beautiful woman she is and will only see her physical beauty. I'm not going to lie, I feel the pangs of jealousy when I think of this but the fact of the matter is is that she's going to have to figure this stuff out on her own. She isn't my responsibility anymore.....and it scares me...I just don't want her to be hurt. I wish I was still the one taking care of her even if it is from such a long way away. Even tho this is probably the end and despite the fact that we had some ups and downs, I have to admit that I cherished every second I had with her. All the goofy shit we did, all the little adventures we had, all the quiet moments and all the ones drown out in laughter, I'll never regret all we had. I don't want her to go....I don't want someone else to win her over, but it's not up to me anymore. If this really is goodbye I hope she runs and never looks back, I hope she finds someone who will love her even more than I did and who will stand by her no matter what. I pray she proves her whole family wrong and makes it big. I would hope that when ever she is still and thinks back, that she only thinks fondly of us and that she won't be able to help but smile. Goodbye little lady, I hope you know that I send you every ounce of love in my heart.

Son of a Bitch

I'm about to rant so....if you don't want to read a bunch of whining I'd skip to a different blog. So I'm so fucking done with school right now to be honest I'm not sure how I'm doing, I might pass these last to damn classes or not. Either way I'm going to go back home after this semester, because everything back home is pretty much falling apart. One my Grandfather has Alzheimer and it is really starting to show, that in it self wouldn't be bad except my grandmother is in failing health too. She has diabetes and has lost most of the felling in her feet causing her to have difficulty with pretty much anything you have to use your legs for and here lately she has developed severe carpal tunnel in her hands rendering them useless pretty much. All of this coming together has caused her significant duress. My mom has had her hips replaced and has continued, even before she had them replaced, having problems with fluid collecting in her legs. This has given her problems walking around, being over weight doesn't help either. My father has a bunch of stuff wrong with him as well. He has COPD, diabetes, and just lately has be released from the hospital for severe UTI and kidney infection. Also, while in the hospital, the doctors have discovered a mass in is abdomen. So all these problems have caused a lot of tension which has translated into a lot of anger and fights amongst them. One recently where my dad stormed off out of the house after a dispute over a credit card bill, which is another issue. Money is running out pretty fast with all of them being on a fixed income due to retirement. This being the case I've been trying to work as much as I can so I wouldn't have to as them for money but here inlies another problem, I'm going out with this wonderful girl who lives far away from me and pretty much gets the short end of the stick most of the time which breaks my heart. Gah I just don't know what to do.....I fear the worst....just....pray for me.