I'm going to preface this blog entry, not unlike most of my blog entries on here, by saying most of what you're about to read is going to be me whining about my probably fairly decent life. By continuing to read this you are accepting the fact that the author knows his faults and is aware of the fact that this is useless bitching, perpetuated by the anonymity of the internet and his own self-centered need to vent his problems to a world already filled with it's own. It feels like I don't know any of the right answers anymore; like I'm just bouncing around in purgatory. I want so badly, someone to love, someone to care about, someone to do stuff for. It always felt like, when I had a girlfriend, my life had a purpose. Now...idk I guess I can contribute most of my failures in life to the fact that I don't feel like I'm worth all that much. The other day I read this little comic bring awareness to mental illness. In it it was comparing mental illness to physical ailments like getting stabbed or a broken arm and how you can't just wish/think your arm isn't broken or that you're not stabbed, just how you can't just feel better if you have some kind of mental illness. I'm not sure if I have anything and I don't want to be one of those people who think they're always sick, but I think I might have depression. I try not to show it "for other peoples sake", but I can't remember the last time I felt good about my self just by myself. When I had a girlfriend it felt good because I could make someone happy, but now that it's just me idk. My last girlfriend struggled with the same thing which is kind of purplexing and the rational part of my brain kicks in and lets me know that we're both probably just a couple whiny bitches. This is because whenever she would bring up feeling down about herself I didn't understand why. She's beautiful, smart, has friends who love her, has a family who loves her to death, and comes from a family who isn't rich but isn't hurting financially. Every time I thought about her...every time I still think about her I think she's perfect. On the other side of the coin I have pretty much all of that stuff, I might but hurting financially a little bit, but other than that I'd have to say objectively I have a pretty good life. That being said from time to time I still get the feeling like I'm not even worth the ground I'm walking on.
Blah that was a little tangent-esk, but keeping that in mind. I'm about to graduate with a mediocre major I just kind of skimmed by in. I only have one more semester here and I really don't want to stay in this city anymore so I don't want to start a relationship with some girl only to have to break it off in like five months, not that I wouldn't love someone to....love. I'm in debt and have not real job or any real job lined up. I put off important stuff, scared I'm going to mess it up some how and then I put it off for too long and i ultimately fuck it up because of that. Finally it feels like I let my family down because long story short I need to get a decent paying job so I can take care of my family; they're for the most part poor and in ailing health. Sooo that's whats in my head at the moment. Thanks for reading this far if you've made it. I'll make another post when something changes.
