This way

I don't know if its because I was on the run all day today, or the fact that I have the sad song list on repeat on spotify, or that I have two test this Thursday that I'm probably not ready for, or if the fact that I'm dog tired, but I feel like shit emotionally. I want to find someone else to love....but I don't want to love them because I want someone to love, I want to actually love them. I just feel so alone and I hate it. All the girls that are my friend feel like a potential new girlfriend....and to be honest if they wanted to date me I'd be hard pressed to tell them no....is that bad? So yeah right now I sound and feel like one big fucking pussy. "O no I want to love again, but I don't want to love just anyone" Gah but yall can just get fucking over it. I know I should be concentrating on school and doing well in my classes, but its kind of hard when this big ass cloud is always looming over me. Every quite moment my mind gets it drifts back to past loves and how they seem so perfect at the time but then fell apart......were they not meant to be or is it just me? I mean most all the girls I've dated weren't bad. They were all pretty neat people and I'd be lying if I said I didn't picture myself with them for a life time at some point in our respective relationships. I'm not sure what you call it... Loyalty maybe? if that...idk but when you get Rustin to love you its like buying a craftsman wrench, it comes with a lifetime warranty. Now I'm not saying I'd just roll over for you or be your fuck buddy, but you'll always hold a piece of my heart, and if called upon I'd try to help with what ever I could. That went doubly for them when we were together....I'd still lay down my life for each of them if I needed to.....do they realize that? I know  your thinking I'm just a stupid overly nice guy and you're right and I hate it. Some times I wish I could just make it stop, I wish I could just use girls up and then toss them to the side and find a new one like they were nothing... I want someone else but I don't want to open my whole life up to someone who won't give a damn about what they get. I might just hold off on a girl till I get out of school and just wait till I know where my life is headed....and in doing so if I miss out on the one so be it. From experience I'd rather know and be friends with an awesome person than fall deeply in love with one and then ultimately loose them. God saying that brings back so many memories.....memories I wish I could get rid of because what the hell are they good for now? To torture me? to make me colder and more bitter? because as time passes I fear that is what the're doing. I know I'm not perfect, I know I've done this to people.....let them fall in love with me and then crush them and I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry for everything I did to you. I'm not sure if there's a pain that is more deep, or more immobilizing than the pain you get from someone you love, love more than anything else in the world, telling you that they don't love you back. Emotionally that's got to be a unstoppable force meeting an immovable object, and to all my nerd friends yes yes yes they can't exist in the same universe bla bla bla physics bla lol. Anyways yeah.....I just don't know anymore....just...colder as the days go by I guess.