Love from left field

Love....what is that shit? I would never be the first one to hold a person down and shove religion down their throat but I can't help but think of, and would like to share with you, a few lines out of 1 Corinthians 13. It says that "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Now whether you're religious or not I'd say that little paragraph has some truths in it about what love is. At this point I know what you're probably thinking, and yes I'm getting to a point. I just found out that my girlfriend cheated on me right before she broke up with me.....about a week ago. Long story short we were in a long distance relationship and she was in a dark place and was seeking comfort and found it apparently. What shocked me was that I wasn't mad when she told me. The first thought that went through my head was that I wanted to hug her and say it's ok. We talked for a little while and I forgave her of course, but what stuck with me was that if it had been 3 or so years ago I think I would have yelled at her, called her a string of the most vial insults I could muster, and then hung up on her. Is this love? What the hell is love anyways? you can't see it, all you can do is see it's wake. I can't help but think that I used to envy, I did boats, I was self seeking, I was insecure which made me keep a record of wrongs which those made me angry. She told me the truth....I'm glad. It took guts....shes has some of those. And before you get the wrong impression of her, don't, she is honestly extremely nice. Think of a girl that you could take home to the parents even the grand parents and she could totally act like herself, not put on a goody two shoes show, and they would still love her. That kind of girl. Needless to say I think I'm finally growing up, learning from my mistakes I've made in past relationships, and am trying to be a better person(but not in a corny kind of way). We're still broken up and I'm not sure if we will get back together, not that I would mind if we did, but I know for sure that we still care about each other and that's a start, right?

Lonely Goodbye

I can't help but think "She'll find someone else", but not in a mature "We need to move on" more of a "How do I kill every guy in Denton and make it look like a accident" I feel helpless....I genuinely love her, I was listening to Carolina by Parmalee the other day when I was driving and I just broke down....there is only one other girl I've done that for.....Logically I know why she ended it. She is very...in tune with her emotions lol not that I minded. But anyways shes the kind of girl that needs her man by her side....I guess I get that.....and if I push through the little, self centered, jealous,10year old inside of me screaming, I do want her to be happy. I just wish that she could have been happy with me. She says distance is what did it, but I know the truth, it was me. I asked her out, I fell in love with someone I couldn't have, someone I knew I couldn't have, and the worst part is is that I let her fall in love with me. Now what do I have to show for it? Gah someone is going to come along, take notice of her exterior beauty and care for her half as much as I did and the only difference is he's going to be there.....she deserves so much better and I want so badly to give it to her. I know you can't be expected to wait for me, I just.....idk. I love you, miss you, want to give you the world, care about you, love to make you happy, wanted to be your husband even....Goodbye Belle, don't mistake my calm demeanor for apathy because I assure you there is a heart crying out even as you read this. I wish you the best and I hope and pray you'll be in my arms again one day. :*

Your Cowboy,

Rustin

Time and time again

Type type type I really have nothing new to say. I've started my last semester of school and have been super crazy busy with my internship and everything. Pretty much just the same struggle different day, still fighting procrastination, shitty relationship situations,and the fear of letting everyone I know who has supported me up until now down..... So yeah same ol same ol. O and then of course every american's struggle with loose'n a few pounds for the sake of vanity lol Hope y'alls fall is going well!!

Just a few things

So I guess this is just a little update for my one follower now lol and for any of you board bastards that stumble upon this mindless drivel. I'm still in school but this upcoming semester is my last one here at UT San Antonio, God willing.
I'm finally moved into my new studio apartment even tho I haven't had time to un-box much of anything besides my computer of course. Lets see what else.....O my awesome keyboard died on me and I'm currently on a 9 dollar p.o.s. from WallyWorld. I have to admit I'm a bit of a keyboard snob; I just like really nice keyboards, well membrane keyboards so far. I used to have a mechanical keyboard a long time ago when I was in elementary school but since then I've used nicer membrane keyboards, but I've been thinking it over and I have decided to bite the bullet and get a mechanical again. Pretty sure I'm going to go with a CM Storm Quickfire XT.....Yeah lol. If you don't know before you go and look up what kind of keyboard is I'm just going to let  you know that yes its a little expensive....like 90 dollars expensive, but I really really really enjoy typing. In fact part of the reason I come here every once in a while to talk to you guys is so that I can sit here and type junk out be cause it just relaxing to me. So I think it will be a good investment plus mechanical keyboards are built like tanks and will pretty much last forever, which in electronic terms has got to be at least 10 + years lol. Another thing is that mechanical keyboards' keys are clicky well the kind of key switches I want are clicky and I like that.....so yeah you can stop judging me now. I know I'm a little weird.
O hey I also got an internship that I'll be participating in this semester as well. I am a Kinesiology major, just in case you didn't know, and in this internship I'll be assisting a doctor(Phd) with a study examining the effectiveness of a health and wellness program being implemented at churches around San Antonio. So what we'll be doing at first is going around rounding up volunteers from the churches and training them to administer the health and wellness programs, they will then go do that; we might go sit in on the programs too just to keep and eye on junk. Then after the programs have been up and running we will then go through, O yeah we will be taking baseline data of the subjects in the beginning, and take more data samples of there vital signs and junk and compare the data sets to see if the programs are doing anything. It would be really cool if churches could contribute not only to the spiritual health but the physical health of the community and if that's the case then after I graduate and move back home.....if I move back home, I'll see if I can start a similar program to help out folks where ever I am.
So all in all I'm still alive, making stupid decisions, learning from mistakes, and wasting money lol I'll ttyl

Thoughts in-between class

I'm studying for a test Thursday but in the mean time....enjoy ;)

Just today

Welp today I'm being bad; First of all I'm not in San Antonio lol I'm back home so needless to say I'm not at school, Second I had a cookie for breakfast ....guess thats not too bad but yeah it feels soo good to be home I can't even begin to explain. Thats about all at the moment, I had a good Easter with the family. I guess I'm not being all that bad I am studying for my physic test on Thursday =P Anyways just wanted to talk at ya'll.

Hours at a time

So I have this job where I go out to weddings, or any other party where they'd like a photo booth, and set up said photo booth and take peoples photos. Anyways last weekend right before I went off to do another gig Rob, my boss, came up to me and handed me a box full of scrap book junk. He told me that we were "offering them a scrapbook" and that "you don't have to make it" and he preceded to tell me that all I'd have to do is cut up a few pieces of paper and let the people write a little something to the bride and groom and to take a copy of there pic if they do. "Alright" I thought that didn't seem too bad, so I drive out to the place and get all set up, which took longer than expected and I didn't get to go get a red bull or anything. Did I mention I was tired? I can't remember why I was tired but I was...anyways I get there and get all set up in like the littlest space for the booth ever which was pretty much in peoples way. I start taking pictures and the first one or two was kind of fuzzy so I adjusted it a little and about the time I did that the bride comes up to me and asks about the scrap book. I told her that yes when the people write something that I'd take there pictures and keep them with the note, just like Rob told me to. I've never before encountered a bridezilla I honestly thought it was just people putting on.....I was wrong. She preceded to start in on me about how she told whoever that she wanted all this shit Gah...Sooo yeah apparently two people were supposed to be at this event and one was supposed to be taking a copy of the photos and putting them in a scrap book with black pages and then having the guests write a note with a silver sharpie next to there photo.....I didn't have a second person, I didn't have a silver sharpie, and I had no way of affixing the photos to the page...I didn't even have gum lol So right after that I was like....SHIT! lol and was trying to figure out what I should do and I couldn't call Rob because I had no signal in that dance hall and I didn't want to step out because the guests were come'n in sooo yeah right when I was wondering how fast I'd die if I just hung myself, some lady walked up and said that she would help me lol yeah right and that every guest needed to write a note......lol as I looked at my pile of 5 or 6 pieces of paper I managed to cut out. So I thin grabbed up the pair of scissors and went to town....just as the huge line of people started at the photo booth and the random lady was no where to be seen. sooo I was feverishly cutting and running down people who just decided that after they took there pic that they'd just leave even tho everyone else had been walking away holding and talking about there picture. The random lady finally came back and helped me for like 20 minutes and in those 20 minutes I looked at the screen and saw on the photo booth program that the pics were coming out alright. Then the bride came back and asked me again about the first 4 our so pictures that I gave both copies away that they needed a copy in the photo booth and again I reassured her that at the end of the night that I'd print more out or when the line died down I would, because even tho it got shorter there was still a steady stream of people come'n. Then, I can't really remember when it happened, I accidentally printed out two copies of one of the brides maids photos and I randomly gathered up all the test shots and other junk on the booth so I could keep everything organized and straight and I just threw all of it away because yeah I could go back and print more. Well that brides maid saw her pic in the trash can and got it and asked me why it was in the trash can, and when I told her why she still seemed hurt Gah. So anyways the night was coming to an end for me and I thought to myself that hey you know we kind of fucked up tonight so hey I'll stay another hour and I figured I'd throw in another pack of pages for the scrap book. So I did all that and finally packed up and went home, then yesterday before my last event Rob called me up and said that none of my pics came out at that wedding and that they were all crap and that the bride wanted a refund. Apparently the photo booth program auto adjusts the pic for printing and viewing but it does nothing to the original picture saved on the computer, So even tho it will print out sharp and look sharp on the program if you don't know its fucked up then well... you're fucked. Seeing that I was doing the job of two people and getting hounded by dumb asses most of the night I didn't even think to re re check the focus after I adjusted it once already. Then Rob told me that I needed to be sending him a pic of the original photos I was taking every hour on the hour for this next event....lol yeah that happened once and I got busy and I was just like fuck it. Rob did swing by around 11 checked the photos and told me I was doing good and wrote me a check, In his defense he is a business major and when hes got 5 events going on in one night he kind of goes into business major mode, but normally hes a pretty chill guy. On the plus side I got to talk to this really cute girl named Whitney most of the night at the wedding, didn't exchange numbers but it was a nice relief from all the rest of that night. Speaking of girls lol I haven't heard from Jasmine in forever, I'm going to assume caught or killed =P O another thing, I just came across this new country artist. His name is Jamey Johnson and hes pretty dang good soooo you should go check out the vid I posted

Long lost

So here I am blogging. I'm not sure how long this will be but I'll try to make it as long as possible without rambling too much. Well spring break is over for us Roadrunners and it's back to the grind yet again. To day started off kind of shitty. I woke up feeling depressed, not even a quick trip to the gym could shake this feeling, later tho I found out that I had passed my second test in Physic 2 and even tho it didn't fix the feeling it helped. Even tho I felt depressed today I have an over all feeling of determination to see this semester out and try to finish strong. This being said I really really really need to start on my online class lol. I've still been talking to Jasmine, even tho shes so far away I still feel closer to her than a good chunk of people here. Even tho that makes little to no sense, because for one I've never physically met this girl, Its not that we don't talk we do but idk we hardly talk about ........ important stuff. I'd like to see what makes her tick more Gah idk. Every once in a while I take a step back and think about just what I'm doing lol chasing after a girl way too far away from me, that I honestly barely know. Despite knowing these things....idk it just feels right. Every once in a while a girl will flirt with me and I'll think to myself "There's no way you could be better than Jasmine....". It gets so bad sometimes that I'll be kind of watching my phone to see if shes texted me. Ugh whats wrong with me....I'm sure shes going to read this and think I'm a freak or something, and to that I'm sorry. I'm just a stupid love struck cowboy......looking for my next heartbreak I guess. Idk if you'd call this progress, me thinking about another girl, because every once in a while I'll sit and think about my last one, and the one before. I'll wonder about what I did wrong, what I could have done differently. I'll sit and think about what I'll probably do to fuck up the next relationship, or what I won't do. What was it about me that didn't let the other ones work? Am I just not worth the distance?? And if thats the fact am I worth it at all. Gah thinking about this shit now....idk If I'd ever want to date Jasmine. What if I completely luck out and do actually get to date her and then I lose her?? That would fucking suck because so far I think shes pretty fucking cool. Omg I actually had a dream the other day about going to see her. I had a Kawasaki I was on and I road up wearing my cowboy boots. She had a good laugh at how the cowboy came riding up on his steed and then we road around and shes was telling me about different things in town, even tho in my mind it was san antonio because I've never been to New York and it was just a random girl because yet again I've never actually physically interacted with her. Anywhoozle we just road around for a while and then I woke up. Maybe that'll really happen one day, I sure as hell wouldn't mind a road trip on a bike. O I got a Kel Tec PF9 9mm hand gun the other day =] I'm pretty psyched about that because its my first handgun I've ever owned. The only downside is that 9mm ammo is really hard to come by now'uh days, but I just heard that the assault ban bill thingy just got pushed back so maybe the politicians will lay off it for a while, and maybe things will be able to go back to normal just long enough for me to get my hands on some ammo so I can get good with my new gun =] Huh other than that......idk thats about it, I picked up a new polo the other day that I want to use for work because its UTSA orange and its really comfy.....O I fixed a computer today.....just had to update drivers so not too hard lol other than that it was a Sony Vaio and it needed a shit ton of drivers cuz it be fancy. Welp I can't really go on unless I start rambling so guess I'll say good night to yall!

everything?

I want to love someone and I want to be loved back lol gah..... I just feel so lonely sometimes...and yes I know this has got to be a stupid excuse to find someone else, but I miss caring about someone. I want to shed a tear when we're apart and I want it to hurt when I have to leave. When we're together I want to feel ready to die like everything is perfect and if my life ended then I'd be ok with it. I remember feeling like that once. I want to surprise someone with breakfast in the morning and take them dancing on the weekends. I want to leave them sticky notes in the bath room saying I love them. I want to work on there car and cut the grass and make them happy. I want to cook for them. I don't want someone to take care of....I want to take care of someone I love. I want to just hold them and snuggle next to them for hours. I want to roll over in the morning and tell them good morning and that they're beautiful and even tho they just woke up and don't believe me I would mean it with every fiber of my being. I want to randomly kiss them when were out and about and make them smile. I want to make someone feel pretty. I want to walk up behind them when there doing something wrap my arms around them, kiss them just below there ear on there neck, and tell them I love them. I want to go on long trips and sing with them in the car. I want to want to give my very life for them if I was called to do so. I want to laugh with them in the good times and I want to be by there side through the bad....Who ever she is...who ever you are....I want to love you I want you to be my everything and I'd hope I'd be your everything too. I know this is really random I was just typing what I was feeling.

Start being about it

this one is short and sweet because I'm about to head to class, but I can't stop thinking about what my friend told me the other day...."You'll just have to work harder or keep looking" today is a brand new day......time to work harder....maybe one day my dreams will come true.

This way

I don't know if its because I was on the run all day today, or the fact that I have the sad song list on repeat on spotify, or that I have two test this Thursday that I'm probably not ready for, or if the fact that I'm dog tired, but I feel like shit emotionally. I want to find someone else to love....but I don't want to love them because I want someone to love, I want to actually love them. I just feel so alone and I hate it. All the girls that are my friend feel like a potential new girlfriend....and to be honest if they wanted to date me I'd be hard pressed to tell them no....is that bad? So yeah right now I sound and feel like one big fucking pussy. "O no I want to love again, but I don't want to love just anyone" Gah but yall can just get fucking over it. I know I should be concentrating on school and doing well in my classes, but its kind of hard when this big ass cloud is always looming over me. Every quite moment my mind gets it drifts back to past loves and how they seem so perfect at the time but then fell apart......were they not meant to be or is it just me? I mean most all the girls I've dated weren't bad. They were all pretty neat people and I'd be lying if I said I didn't picture myself with them for a life time at some point in our respective relationships. I'm not sure what you call it... Loyalty maybe? if that...idk but when you get Rustin to love you its like buying a craftsman wrench, it comes with a lifetime warranty. Now I'm not saying I'd just roll over for you or be your fuck buddy, but you'll always hold a piece of my heart, and if called upon I'd try to help with what ever I could. That went doubly for them when we were together....I'd still lay down my life for each of them if I needed to.....do they realize that? I know  your thinking I'm just a stupid overly nice guy and you're right and I hate it. Some times I wish I could just make it stop, I wish I could just use girls up and then toss them to the side and find a new one like they were nothing... I want someone else but I don't want to open my whole life up to someone who won't give a damn about what they get. I might just hold off on a girl till I get out of school and just wait till I know where my life is headed....and in doing so if I miss out on the one so be it. From experience I'd rather know and be friends with an awesome person than fall deeply in love with one and then ultimately loose them. God saying that brings back so many memories.....memories I wish I could get rid of because what the hell are they good for now? To torture me? to make me colder and more bitter? because as time passes I fear that is what the're doing. I know I'm not perfect, I know I've done this to people.....let them fall in love with me and then crush them and I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry for everything I did to you. I'm not sure if there's a pain that is more deep, or more immobilizing than the pain you get from someone you love, love more than anything else in the world, telling you that they don't love you back. Emotionally that's got to be a unstoppable force meeting an immovable object, and to all my nerd friends yes yes yes they can't exist in the same universe bla bla bla physics bla lol. Anyways yeah.....I just don't know anymore....just...colder as the days go by I guess.

No no no!!!!

Drunk as hell ....... shouldn't be blogging!! Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and more stuff

Well I think I did a pretty solid job on my physic lab I turned in today and the grade on the one I got back was an A! needless to day I'm doing a lot better this time around....gah I still don't like physics, now I need to concentrate on the homework that is due Friday because I think I'm going to have a gig that night so I can't wait till the last minute on this one....like I usually do lol. Other than that todays been a pretty good day talk to Belle for a sec and then after the lab, which only took an hour, I got to drive a 2013 Chrysler 300 around :3 twas amazing....mostly because of all the stairs =P not that its a bad car, its just that it's not my fav.Welp I think the jew wants to go grab some beer and even tho I don't plan on buying any I don't mind tagging along and keeping people company =] ttyl guys.

Alrighty....

Man, went to bed "early" lol it was early for me. I only slept a few hours, had some really really weird dreams and I then jolted awake. As you guessed it I can't go back to sleep. I kind of wish Belle and I could hang out again as friends atleast, I miss talking and bull shitting with her. Welp hopefully I'll start getting tired again....hope this isn't a sign for things to come this week.

And another thing

Another reason Jasmine is awesome is because I'm pretty sure she's a christian..... again not saying she'll be my next girl or anything of that sort, but I really wouldn't mind if my next girlfriend was a christian....maybe that's what I've been doing wrong this whole time. I kind of want someone who understands that kind of faith, in something you can't see or touch but know is there........anyways that's been on my mind. I know I probably sound crazy and am about to thump everyone with a bible, but yeah, I'm not. So everyone just chill. Do you even lift bro?! Hehehe speaking of lifting I can curl the 50s now and I can do triceps extensions with the 65 pound dumbbells :) make'n so many gains! O and the shrugs with the 70 aren't as hard anymore....might have to bump it up to the 75s next time :3 sorry just kind of excited that working out is visibly paying off!! Well, till next time!

Wow

So....I just blew through that last post. Sorry for all the misspellings and horrible grammar hehehe not that I don't normally botch the English language, it just feels like I did an exceptional job at it in the last post. I wanted ol Jasmine to see it before she went to bed cuz shes pretty cool and all, that's why I rushed. Anywhoozle just felt the need to extend my apologies to yall. Side note....Belle just emailed me about some kind of diet drops...or something like that lol That bitch calling me fat?!! XD jk her email probably got hacked. Any ways night 

Take a number

Ok ok ok so about Belle, nice girl, but I have atlast come to the realization that hey you know what its over, if she doesn't want me any more......whatever. If we'll ever get back together....who knows. But there has been this one girl who has been my good friend for a long time, who peeks in on this little emotional roller coaster every once in a while. This women in question has brought to my attention the fact that hey, I have not once talked about her at length in one of my blogs soooo here we freak'n go!!! I guess I'll call her....idk belle 2 XD no no no thats fucked up uhhhhhh. Lets call her.... Jasmine yeah Jasmine. So Jasmine is this one girl whom I met through a friend over the internet. I've known her for...idk a while. Anyways beautiful beautiful girl, an engineer, lives far far away tho. First time I ever saw her the first thing I though was "holly cow...knock out" then I found out that she was a supper smart engineer major lady and I just had to keep reminding myself I needed to behave. So typically shes taken by some guy that doesn't at all appreciate her....like at all, appreciation level is a minimum. Sorry Jasmine but it is....hes kind of a douche. So yeah kind of had to write her off from the get go, because at the time 1 I was taken, 2 even though at the time I was in a long distance relationship, I was kind of weary about them and the distance was definitely way too much. and 3....well I was taken and I'm not that kind of a guy. So anyways yeah you guessed it I like her and even if sparks don't fly I would at least like to finally meet her face to face, say Howdy and do other southernerly things lol. Now here's the clincher were both about to be finished up with college, we'll both have money and maybe just maybe.....idk she might get a job closer to me....I might find something closer to her......or not and we'd probably just stay friends cuz shes a little crazy, I'm definitely crazy. I could see our crazies happening together in a platonic kind of way ...... just say'n Jasmine. Soooo anyways thats my little blog about Jasmine. Don't message me going omg I didn't know you thought I was cool cuz yeah. Wish I had a cool friend like you a little closer.   

London

                                                                Happy Valentine's Day
                                                                     Miss You, Belle

Supplemental

"Love" that one misunderstood word that constantly get us in trouble. Love isn't harts and roses and chocolates, its not fucking each other every night, its not a security blanket, love isn't gushy feelings and sweet things. Those things happen because of love, not because that is what love its. Love is caring about someone. Caring is worrying about there well being, physically taking care of someone, wanting to protect them in every aspect of there lives. So if Love = Caring = hardwork then Love=hardwork and people don't like hard work, because love is hard ass work. Love is a lot of patients with the other person and its kind. You don't envy, ya don't boast, and your not proud. When your in love you're not rude or self seeking. You don't fly of the handle at every little thing. You keep no records of wrongs and you tell the truth. You always protect, trust, and hope. Love always perseveres....because love never fails. I've heard it from different people, even my grand'ma, and they all say that in a relationship each side has to give 150%......why you ask? Because you're both human and sometimes you'll fall and the other person has to be able and ready to understand they need to pick up the slack until the other is back on there feet, That's what love is. Is this a rough patch? or is this really is the end....I don't know, all I know is I'll hold that 150 for as long as I can...for that Belle..

Long shot horse

(excuse me if this sounds really choppy. I was just letting thoughts flow)

Ok ok time out. Time to state some facts and call out some BS. Ok so this is the girl who was talking not only about rings and married stuff, but was talking about it with me after being the one who brought it up first. Secondly She is/was crazy about me, not to too my own horn. Well now both of her parents are Aggies and her dad is an ex marine, so I know she knows about loyalty. Distance ain’t nothing but a thing and I know she has the tools and the ability to get through this long distance. I know the first year of adjusting to College is hard especially if you have a significant other and especially if there not there with you. I would love to have her back and truth be told I’d take her back if she wanted to come back, but with that being said I can’t wait forever. Not that I’m on the hunt for someone new, but I can’t just wait around for her to love me when its convenient. My heart is not a hotel, it’s a home for someone’s live….thank you Brooks and Dunn. Anyways bottom line is that I, like a moron,  I still have hope. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I know for a fact that she’s a hopeless romantic lol sooo its time for her to put her boots on with her PJs and save me this time. I know all this hope could fall though I remember my first girlfriend I grew apart from and I am well aware of the old adage about how if I love her let her go, but I love her and I don’t want to let her go. I’m not fool tho I realize this could be it….god  I hope not tho….I still remember that moment when it clicked and I let my guard down and I actually let my heart love her…..I hope that wasn’t a mistake. Soooo anyways that’s my life at the moment, O and I have tests and all the normal school shit life crap aswell lol Welcome to the real world, jack ass.

Uh urrr uhhh keep it together

So that pretty girl, that is very dear to me, just told me some things and my first logical thought is that "Rustin, she needs to be happy that is your job and if this is going to make her happy let her go" Yeah sure ok ok that makes since. She is infact a human being and has feelings and emotions and stuff like that......but then theres that voice that I hate that is saying..." SHE IS FUCKING MINE, (reads about her talking about other guys) I WILL FUCKING BREAK THERE FACES AND RIP THERE SPINES OUT WITH MY BARE HANDS AND CHOKE THEM WITH IT!"  hehehe yeah sooo anyways if you can't tell she skyped me and said we should be no mas cuz of the long distance and she couldn't take it and she was crying which made it harder for me to not cry and then I did.......some....things when we finally hung up gah.....this blows. I really liked her. I have a feeling how this is going to play out.......and if it does ....idk what I'm going to do Gah.....

From Nothing To Everything

I'm sure if you ask any of my friends they could tell you that I can be a real dumb ass sometimes, and you know...there right. No matter how far I run or what far away dreams I fancy she always seems to creep back into my mind. Believing this is how its gonna be I decided to cut ties with a really good thing in my life, my good friend....I'll call her kitty. Well this of course was, at the time, and now still is my girlfriend. we broke up a few days after christmas and even tho she had a stiff upper lip I knew she was taking it pretty bad. She loved/loves the crap out of me, and at the time I thought I was doing her/us a favor by cutting her off my pitty partying train ride to no where, population me. A few days passed and we kind of talked still, us missing one another but myself too full of myself to ask her back. Well new years eve came around and I almost invited her out to do something maybe patch things up, looking back I should have. I had asked her what her plans were, originally they were to hang out at home and chill with the folks, but they had since changed to going to catch up with friends...lol I knew something was up immediately, but giving little ol kitty the benefit of the doubt I moved that thought aside. Since I had plans with some old friends of my own I did really concentrate on what kitty might be doing just the fact that she wasn't doing stuff with me. The next day I talked to her keeping the subject of where she was and what she was doing out of the forefront of our conversation, after all we were broke up, she is an adult, and it was new years for God sakes. So I stalled till after a few things to ask about what was up as sly as possible. Receiving a short response I knew it had to be a guy "O well" I thought to myself, another girl lost. I then began to think of another girl in my life, I'll call her lex. Lex and I had loved each other at one time as a matter of fact I had almost asked her to merry me. Then one, as quick as she had came into my life and won me over, she was gone. The crulest thing was , was that she hadn't even been taken from me....under her own power she just up and left, thinking it was going to be the best for us both. Long story short Lex had broke my little heart into pieces and I was afraid I was never going to get over her which would have potentially hurt Kitty. That night, being inspired by my mom to clean, and because the trash was being picked up the next morning, I decided to clean out the garage of its junk. Low and behold I came across Lex's binder. Having never opened it I decided to take a gander....It was like turing back time. I could smell the summer air and feel the heat radiating off her old mustang. I remembered that kiss in the drive way the day we cleaned out her car and the way we loved each other. Mostly I remembered her, she loved me and I loved her. By the end of the binder I was crying, like a little pussy, I must have stood there for a good 40 minutes looking at that last page, starring at her hand writing. Imagining the hands that wrote that, the hands that I'll never get to hold again. "Never get to hold again" I thought. She did that, not me, not my family, she did. I closed the binder and starred at it for a moment, "you did this". Saying that out loud was rather sobering . "I'll never see her again, she is never coming back, and she'll never give two shits about wither our not I kept this stupid binder. Still having the trash bag in my hand I gripped the binder with my other and threw it in and kept cleaning. Before I took the trash bag out I had found a newspaper clipping of her and threw that out too. Then regret set in, those where her things, the only thing I had left of her were in that trash bag. Kitty I thought, I just needed a hand, someone to tell me I'm doing right, even tho if I told her it would be bias as hell. But alas she didn't answer, non of my other friends were up. It was just me alone in my room fighting to stay inside and away from that trash bag and eventually fell asleep. Morning came and I felt an odd calm like after a horrible storm has finished its reaping, Kitty I thought so I texted her, not really knowing what to say but I figured something was better than nothing. My suspicions where reviled, she had in fact visited a old guy friend and she had slept with him. I couldn't really blame him or her, I was the only jackass on this funny farm. The only thing was that she felt bad about it and was beating herself up for sleeping with him saying I deserved better. Ha! If she only knew that she was infact more than I ever deserved. Before I broke up with her she had been nothing but perfection: She'd always have time to talk to me, she loved my family and my family loved her back, She is drop dead gorgeous/ borderline porn-star/ big boobs/skinny/sexy nerd with glasses thing/nice ass/ put up with all my dorky stupid shit/ she infact had dorky stupid shit she liked to do to/ liked to watch me play video games/drank with me/got high with me....all around amazing chick. lol I know at first you were think'n that ol Rustin was just thinking with his dick but ah ha she is really crazy awesome! So I decided to nip things in the bud, I told her to stop everything because I was coming over to talk to her, I couldn't allow her to think she was this horrible person when it was me. I didn't even put regular cloths on, I just threw a pair of boots on with my pajamas and I was out the door. Well we went on a little ride and I told her how I felt and she told me how she felt and its been cake ever since. It feels like a completely different relationship now. It went from being....I don't even know, it was like I was watching the relationship unfold before and now I'm actually getting to be in it. We have been dating for a while, mind you, but now it feels like we are really together. As for the other guy....idk I guess if I ever saw him I'd have to thank him for opening my eyes to everything I could have lost....then I'd knock his fucking teeth out and break his pretty boy, app building, pot smoking, groping ass face for ever even thinking about touching my Kitty. Ugh sometimes I just really piss myself off. I know what  you're thinking "So whats so special about everything now" well I'll tell ya. She's off with her friends now, but earlier we were texting and I sent her a message and I had set my phone down to do something and when I turned around and the notification light was flashing and I didn't realize I was excited about hearing from her until it turned out to be an email instead of a message from her. I was really disappointed that it wasn't her and I realized that I really missed her. Its kind of shitty to say but that never really happened before. Before if it wouldn't have been her it wouldn't have made any difference. I'm not gonna lie, I am a little afraid that she'll leave me but I just have to have faith that love will see us through.....how I hope it does.